As many of you know, and for those of you who don't, it was my dream for nearly 5 years to leave Tennessee and chase a palm tree dream in the Florida panhandle. In February, I left a job I had had off and on for almost 8 years, giving up a large regular clientele, left my friends and family and chased my Florida dream.
The experience was not even close to what I had expected, nor was it anything close to what I had wished for and dreamed of. I was heartbroken...and lonely. I used Facebook as an outlet to vent about the absurd experiences I had and things that occurred and from that was judged by people in a negative light as well as having what I thought were my "true" friends trying to come to my rescue with consoling words and phone calls.
By May, I decided that this was not at all what I had bargained for and I decided to close the door on my own dream. It was actually not a difficult decision at the time, considering all of the things that were going on and had happened. I craved the friendship and family I had back home in Tennessee. By June 5, I had returned to the Volunteer state.
Upon my return, I was plagued with the guilt of feeling as if I had made the wrong decision. One day I was waking up at 6:30 am to run on the beach and the next I was sleeping near the muddy Mississippi. I was confused with myself, wondering what I really wanted and what was really going to make me happy.
Being back home, I assumed that my friends would be excited to see me and welcome me back with open arms. Three months later, only 2 people have done that. The rest of those people who ushered me to come home when things got tough and I was upset were MIA; I even found out that one of them was talking about me behind my back with other friends and people I know. So much for moving back to be with "friends".
The whole thing crushed me: from moving back and giving up on the only real dream I had to coming home to finding out who my true friends were, realizing I had a VERY limited amount.
In addition to being emotionally crushed, I had to begin the job search. When I first got back home, I took a couple weeks to myself and just kind of vegged out and relaxed, seeing as I had worked SO much when I was in Florida. When I began to look for jobs, I found that there wasn't much out there. I applied day after day, week after week, month after month. Now here I am 3 months later and still nothing.
I originally began the search on one of the mainstream job sites, which proved to be as fruitful as a dead tree. I posted on Facebook asking if anyone had any contacts anywhere, knew if anyone was hiring, or had any suggestions for places to look. Rarely did I get any real responses and often got very sarcastic ones. I started to check out city's chamber sites for ideas and simply Googling key words that represented things I was looking for in a job. I even went as far as to start "liking" business pages on Facebook just to introduce myself to other businesses that the page I was on "liked". I've looked up several businesses in the industry I would enjoy working in and even gone as far as to using their "contact us" box to inquire about any open positions. This job search thing truly has become a full time job.
In the meantime, I send out applications and sometimes I will get emails turning down my application as soon as 45 minutes after I submit them. Most times I get nothing. It wears me down and makes me feel absolutely worthless. I spent 5 years in college, am the owner of 2 student loans, and since I have been unemployed, along with working my restaurant jobs, am carrying my own health insurance policy. Not exactly where I expected to be at 29 on the brink of 30. I'd love nothing more than to temporarily forget about my troubles through some retail therapy or by going out with friends- but everything costs money and with none coming in, it's hard to want to spend the little that you do have, knowing you have bills to pay.
A couple friends have come around and offered to take me out or take care of my tab and tried to get my mind off things, but I just don't feel right, so I have drastically limited the number of times I will take anyone up on their offer. I am starting to feel like a charity case...in my own eyes, of course. Don't get me wrong, I think it's awesome for those friends to reach out to me and I appreciate it. I've also had acquaintances write to me, saying things like "hang in there", "keep your chin up", or "it'll get better". After 3 months, it gets harder and harder to hear that. Try checking your email every day and being turned down for everything you applied for the day before and multiplying that by about 75 days. It's not exactly a self-esteem booster and it sure as heck doesn't make it easier to "hang in there" or believe that "it'll get better".
The whole thing has turned me into someone foreign to me. I am usually a very spunky, sarcastic chick who enjoys making jokes and laughing at silly things and just enjoying life, even if it means making fun of my own life experiences to entertain both myself and others (which is OFTEN misunderstood as complaining which is so far off base, it's not even funny). Now, all I want to do is stay in bed and pretend none of this is going on. My mood is so down most of the time that I don't even want to go out because I know I wouldn't be much fun to be around. It's tough and even more so once you realize it's taking an emotional and physical toll on yourself.
I feel like most people don't understand what I'm going through because most people I know HAVE jobs- some very well-paying jobs. So how could this intelligent girl continue to find NOTHING? You start to wonder if people are judging you and looking down on you, despite the fact that you know you are smart and could do most jobs that are put in front of you.
I'm not sure what else I can do. I can sit around and wonder if leaving Florida, where I still had a job, was the wrong decision, but it doesn't matter- I've already left. I can continue to let it bother me that some of my so-called "friends" weren't there for me once I got back home or even now, at a time when I need them the most. I know that I will continue to be a compassionate, honest person and remain true to myself and hope that it pays off both in the way of finding a job and making friends.
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